Excerpt from My Proposal
The majority of retailer’s expect the gross value of sales generated from their event participation to be ‘at least three times the cost of exhibiting’. Thusly, the ROI, or return on investment is enormous and undoubtedly, necessary. In addition, event marketing provides a portal to the CRM process, building brand loyalty. It also appeals to a consumer’s senses, in that it creates an urgency for stabbing me in the face. Or strangling me with boredom. Or maybe jerking me off into a cup. So many great ideas. Ever wondered what would happen if you could fly? I would poop on someone’s head. With vengeance. Just cover them in feces. To the point where they couldn’t breathe. What a way to go. Suffocated in shit from a flying human. I would kill for some Concerta. It wouldn’t change the fact that I have nothing to do. But at least I would have the drive to do nothing really well. I would be the most motivated slacker ever. The worst part of this is that I over-caffienated this morning. 4 cups of coffee, 4 diet pills, and my nitric oxide drink. A grand total of 625 GRAMS OF CAFFIENE! Needless to say, I’m jittery and feel like I’m bouncing out of my skin. Then I have my clock displayed in large font on the corner of my screen so that I can check it every 15 seconds. It’s 1:08…wait a second…it’s 1:09. Just checked it again, still 1:09. Just realized I referenced the morning instead of the afternoon. Boredom is the reason I created this proposal. Needed something to do. It was fun for like 5 minutes. Now, as every second passes, I realize that I have nothing to fucking do. I have talents. I could do something. I can bench 300 pounds with almost no effort. Surely there is something in this office they need lifted over my chest. And not to brag, but I’m really good at stringing profanities together. Just looked over at my Pandora, Jesca Hoop is hot. I mean really hot. Just discovered her. Not literally. I’m sure she existed before me. She wears a coon skin hat. Never thought those were overly attractive. Now I have a differing opinion. Oh my God, she is so hot. Note to self: Look for pics of Jesca Hoop this evening. Got a plan now. Of course now I have to wait anxiously four more hours and then Jesca and me have a date. I think a person is really bored when you spend your afternoon planning your evenings masturbation schedule. I believe it will involve Ms. Hoop, me, and an acoustic set in the nude. Wow, that is the lamest fantasy I have ever come up with. That’s how excruciatingly bored I am. Nice, it’s 1:21. Just checked my To Do List: do stuff, do more stuff, and finish off with doing stuff. Since it’s after lunch I would say I’m on the ‘do more stuff’, but not quite into the ‘finish off with doing stuff’. Just adjusted my flip flop. Took a drink of water. Glanced at calendar. It’s the 8th of June. Just so you know. It’s a Tuesday. Sun sets at 8:32 tonight. Pandora is playing Death Cab For Cutie, which I do not think is similar to Jesca Hoop. Nice job Pandora. What’s next, I’m going to guess John Mayer, who also has nothing similar to the Hoopster. Wondering how long I can keep this going? I mean so far I have hit another page. Oh nice, Ingrid Michaelson, she is similar to Jesca Hoop, and she’s pretty hot too. Excellent choice, Pandora. Welcome to my threesome fantasy Ms. Michaelson. This acoustic session is going to be amazing. For the love of God, give me something to do. I’m begging. Anything. Give me a broom and tell me to clean. At least I would feel like I have purpose. Not really. But it would be better than this. My water tastes weird, but I think it is the bottle I put it in. Yep. Definitely the bottle. Yesterday, I was drinking water out of a bottle that I had put food trash in. I forgot. Had a small fit with the moldy peach pit hit my lips. I’m an effing genius. Thinking that later I might try to keep up with Pandora. I will type the lyrics as the songs play. Should go swimmingly. No wait. I have plan. I will plan a months worth of workouts.
