My Awesome Boat

Look out motherfuckers!  Here comes the most bitchin boat ever to grace this shitty fucking lake!  Why, you ask, is my boat so bitchin?  Well, only cause my boats name is ‘The Cunt’, that’s why!  Why did I name it ‘The Cunt’?  Only because I’ve always wanted to have people see me driving up in my ‘82 Camaro, my sweet boat towed behind me, and them to go,”Oh look, here comes Jeff with the cunt.”  Ah yeah!

Why else is my boat so fucking bitchin’?  Only because it’s the only pontoon boat I know, that’s also a speed boat.  Modified this motherfucker myself.  And I pulled out all the fucking stops.  It’s a fuckin’ hemi.  Tops out at 120 mph, or my name isn’t J to the motherfuckin’ eff.  Just imagine all the stupid douchebags who gotta get out of my fucking way as I plow down this lake, like fucking some dude from Nascar in his car or something driving like fast and shit.

Did I mention my fucking boat has a plank?  That’s right.  A plank.  Why?  Only for when someone gives me shit.  Like my girlfriend.  Say she gets all in my space and is all, blah, blah, blah, get a job, pay the rent, change some fuckin’ diapers, blah, blah, blah.  Hey bitch, I’m on my boat.  You know what you can do?  Walk the plank you skank.  You Goddamn piece of trailer shit.  And then I would point my hot dog skewer at her and force her down the 8 foot board that juts from the side.  Fucking bitch.

Check out those speakers.  Yeah, those are full size 1970 Panasonic Model Rx-7670 with a fine mahogany overlay for rich tones.  No, there not fucking water-proof.  Water-proof is for pussy’s, and I ain’t no pussy.  Yeah mounted those sweet babies myself on those 10 foot poles welded to the rear of ‘The Cunt’.  Now, let’s blast some Foghat motherfucker’s and get this party started!

Yeah, that’s a firepit.  Check it out.  No fucking barbeque grill on my fucking boat.  What?  No it’s not dangerous, you stupid cocksucker.  Know what?  Walk the plank you piece of shit!

Now, where was I?  Oh yeah, the mural painted on the side.  Yeah I did it my fucking self!  How many other dude’s you know with the artistic ambition to have Robert Novac  filating Don Imus as he rides a dragon with the head of Rush Limbaugh.  Just me, that’s who.  What?  What do you mean it seems kind of gay?  Oh shit!  Walk the fucking plank you goddamn hater of the motherfucking arts.

Some fucking people.  Anyway, that’s my boat.  Well, all I have time to show you.  Oh, there’s more.  Lot’s more.  But I ain’t got the time, motherfucker.  Now, just sit back, relax, and ride ‘The Cunt.’