If the Crew of Fox and Friend’s Lived in my Scrotum as They Interview Tara Reid about the Making of Alone in the Dark

“American Pie” actress Tara Reid (search) talked to “FOX and Friends” Wednesday morning, broadcasting from Jeff’s engorged scrotal sack, about her new movie “Alone in the Dark,” (search) which comes out this weekend and also stars Christian Slater. The following is an edited transcript:

Brian Kilmeade: You’re an archaeologist in this.

Reid: Yeah.  Why are you guys in someone’s scrotum?

Brian:(ignoring her question) How [did] you prepare for this role?

Reid: Well, I went to a lot of anthropology museums.  God it stinks in here.  Are we really that close to this guys asshole?

Steve Doocy: What about rock concerts?

Reid: Huh, what the fuck?  Rock concerts?  What the hell does that have to do with anything?  Good God, I did twelve lines of coke, an 8 ball, and 3 hits of ecstasy and I still realize we are in this guy’s wrinkled ball sack.

Steve: Gotcha.

Reid: Basically I did a lot of research on it and the words were so big compared to what I normally have to say, so [I] really had to study it to even understand what I was saying, to make it sound re…  I can’t do this.  I’m sorry, this is so creepy.  Is that Gretchen Carlson over there massaging his perineal raphe?

Steve: People love movies that scare them. What is it about — what sort of tricks do you have as a director and as an actress to make people who are at the movie afraid?

Reid: I think it’s really the mystery that you put in it, the suspense, the fear of – Like the fear of being in someone’s fucking reproductive organs!

Steve: Better not open that door.

Reid: What door?  What in the fuck is wrong with you?

Brian: I’m an audio guy. Here’s what does it for me. The music — the music sells me.

E.D. Hill: 100 percent.

Brian: But you’re the actress, and I understand this because I understand the craft. As an actress, without the music, how do you know something scary is about to happen? Like what is happening on the set to make you –

Reid: I think it’s when your publicist calls and says ‘hey, there is no hope for you to ever get good work again.  I want you to go do an interview on Fox and Friends and, guess what, it’s in a fucking swelled up ball sack full of spermazoa.’

Steve: Right. Here’s my problem, Tara. There are so many things that have scared my children. Sometimes they are afraid to go to bed or stuff like that, and when they were littler I used to have to take a squirt gun downstairs to shoot the monsters under the bed. When you were little, what were you afraid of?

Reid: Oh my God, are you saying you’ve brought your kid’s here?

Steve: See.

Reid: See what?  How do I get out of here?  Does this guy have to jerk off or something?

Steve: A guy with an axe –

Reid: WHAT?

Brian: Do you have another series you’re working on, too?

Reid: Probably not now.

Brian: Based on reality?

Reid: On the reality that I’m in someone’s kibbles and bits!

Steve: About your life in Hollywood?

Reid: …my career’s over.